Early Morning Rant...

[lynxie]

Got nothing better to do and I'm listening to Aria Math trying to sleep. It's been 3 months, still not over my dogs death. Its gotten easier but everytime I get a cute or sad doggy TikTok I get really emotional. 

I miss him a lot. I want another dog, might just get one and deal with the consequences later, I can't live without one. Adorable creatures with nothing but love in their head. 
I feel extremely guilty over how my dog died. He suffered, it wasn't peaceful. And I feel like I didn't do anything to help him. I know he suffered, it's my biggest pain. Seeing him just lay there crying hurts me, not wanting to walk, play, bark, eat, drink, sleep, cuddle.. none of that. I miss his warmth and his hair. I miss his smell, I miss everything about him. I cant get over it. I wish he had a better life. Maybe he was happy, but I'm not. 

 

I see my friends dogs sometimes and it's as if they know I need their embrace. They ignore all my other friends and stick around me. I have also seen a lot of cardinals recently; heard that means something that died that you know is watching over you, I often think its Chewy. I've been playing Solo minecraft for the first time, found a dog and named him Chewy, cried doing that haha, the dog in the game even acts like him! How funny. Solo minecraft is an experience.... Hytale will be better.

 

Recently I have started to think if I've been a good friend, or if I've been shitty. The general consensus is that I'm a good friend. But I don't feel like one. With my best friend, I love him but there's something in me that tells me he's better off without me. I hate the mean things I say to him, even if shitting on eachother is our humor to eachother, it hurts me that I say anything mean in general. I like it when he shits on me, its like the payback I deserve. Even my irl friends enjoy my company a lot, ask for advice, just a fun time, a good hangout where we all enjoy eachothers company, I do like it but I feel like there is so much I do to shape events that they don't ever have a chance to do something. As selfish as it sounds, or arrogant even; I always make the decisions for my friends. I give them the options to, but 95% of the time it falls back to me deciding what we do. I hate that feeling that I'm not allowing them to have their own decisions when it very much so is their own decision to let me decide.. Idk maybe I'm overthinking it. I used "I" a lot in this rant- oh well.

 

TTT was actually so fun today, met a lot of cool people, so that was really nice. A racist came through but ultimately left.. man why do people gotta be racist, such a weird thing to let bother you in your day to day.. skin colour? Lame. Other than that, really fun session. 

 

I think I'm done, sorry for that.