Jokes!

[vybz]

Why did the one armed man cross the road? - to get to the second hand shop.

 

What kind of dance do u do on a trampoline? - hip hop

 

Why did Tigger look inside the toilet? - he was lookin for Pooh

 

Why did the man freeze his money? - he wanted cold, hard cash

 

What's snoop dogg's favourite weather? - drizzle

[Matt.]

How do you keep an idiot busy?

 

(See post below)

[Matt.]

How do you keep an idiot busy?

 

(See post above)

[SDtielvdeo]

[Edit Due to Racial Content]

[SDtielvdeo]

Men Wish Women Knew

 

 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up - put it down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

5. Get rid of your cat.

6. Sunday = Sports.

7. Anything you wear is fine - really.

8. Women wearing wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

9. You have too many shoes.

10. Crying is blackmail.

11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

14. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers.

15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

17. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

18. If you don't dress like the Dawson Creek girls, don't expect us to act like the soap opera guys.

19. If something we said could be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

24. You have enough clothes.

25. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex.

[contempt]

I toyed with the idea of opening a jokes thread. I'm gonna post a buncha jokes from "The Mammoth Book of dirty, sick, x-rated & politically incorrect jokes." In compliance with the rules, I will censor certain words and not post certain jokes. Hank already knows some of the following .

 

503 A woman saw a small boy leaning against a wall smoking a cigarette and taking swigs from a bottle of scotch.

'Shouldn't you be at school?' she asked.

'School?' said the boy. 'No way. I'm only four!'

 

502 {censored}

One day, two very loving parents got into a huge fight, in the course of which the man called the woman 'b***h', and she called him a 'bastard'. Their young son walked in at the height of the row and asked: 'What do bitch and bastard mean?'

Embarrassed by their appalling behavior, the parents explained: 'It means "ladies and gentlemen".'

By the next day the parents had made up, and decided to have sex. The woman said 'feel my

titties' and the man said 'feel my d**k'. When their son walked in and asked what titties and d**k meant, they replied: 'Hats and coats.'

On Thanksgiving the Dad was shaving when he cut himself, 'S**t!' he exclaimed. When the kid came in and asked what 's**t' meant, the father covered up his bad language by saying it was the brand of shaving cream he was using.

Meanwhile downstairs the mother, while preparing the turkey, also cut herself. 'F**k!' she exclaimed. Once again the kid asked what the word meant, and the mother pretended that it was her word for stuffing the turkey. Moments later, the doorbell rang. The kid opened the door to his relatives and announced loudly: 'All right, you b***hes and bastards, put your titties and d**ks in the closet, my Dad is upstairs wiping the s**t off his face, and Mom is in the kitchen f**king the turkey.'

 

421 George W. Bush was visting a fouth grade class at an elementary school. The kids were in the middle of talking about words and their meanings, and the teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word 'tragedy'. So Bush asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a trajedy.'

'No,' said Bush, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand. 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not,' explained the President. 'That's what we would call a "great loss".'

The room fell silent until Bush asked: 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally a boy at the back named Johnny raised his hand and suggested: 'If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs Bush, was struck by a missile and blown to pieces, that would be a tragedy.'

'Correct,' said Bush. 'And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well,' said Johnny, 'because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss.'

 

1226 {word changed}

A man was traveling home late at night on the subway when he read a sign: 'Dogs must be carried on the escalator.'

Despairingly, he thought to himself: 'Now where on earth am I going to find a dog at this time of night?'

 

To be continued...

 

contempt

 

Edit: SD, your joke ain't funny at all.

Almost got the same joke in my book, Havok. The wording is different and it's in Bagdad and with dollars.

[HankTheTank]

421 George W. Bush was visting a fouth grade class at an elementary school. The kids were in the middle of talking about words and their meanings, and the teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word 'tragedy'. So Bush asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a trajedy.'

'No,' said Bush, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand. 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not,' explained the President. 'That's what we would call a "great loss".'

The room fell silent until Bush asked: 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally a boy at the back named Johnny raised his hand and suggested: 'If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs Bush, was struck by a missile and blown to pieces, that would be a tragedy.'

'Correct,' said Bush. 'And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well,' said Johnny, 'because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss.'

 

contempt

 

.

 

that is the best joke i have heard in a looooong time XDXDXD... oh fun

 

and thanks for editing those jack, havoks wasnt to bad... im irish didnt bother me, but still a good decision

[HankTheTank]

this isnt so much as a joke as a puzzle... see if you can figure it out ;)

this is this puzzle

this is is puzzle

this is how puzzle

this is to puzzle

this is keep puzzle

this is an puzzle

this is idiot puzzle

this is buzy puzzle

this is for puzzle

this is fourty puzzle

this is seconds puzzle

 

dont post if you figure it out to soon, i want others to figure it out

[Riggs]

You spelled "busy" and "forty" wrong, idiot.

 

My joke: Three construction men, all sitting on a beam eating lunch. The first one (the Asian) says, "If my wife packs me sushi one more time, I'm going to jump off this building." The second one (the Mexican) says, "Yea, if my wife packs me tacos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too." The third guy (the American) stands up and says, "If my wife packs me PB&J one more time, I'm going to jump off, as well!" So, the next day, the Asian guy gets sushi and jumps. The Mexican also gets the same thing and jumps. The American opens his lunch, sees the sandwich, and jumps.

Later that day, the three wives are standing together at the funeral. The first and second guys' wives ask the third guy's wife why she isn't crying or upset, and she responds, "That dumbass packed his own lunch every day. He even packed himself Ham and Cheese today."

[matt 187]

A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.

 

"I had sex with another woman last night," he tells her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time."

 

"You miss me that much?" she asks.

 

"No," he says. "But it kept me from coming too fast."