Jokes!

[James]

Ok then.

 

There is a polo and a smartie in a bar. The polo says "I bet you I am the strongest person in the bar!" At that point, a really strong mint comes in, a pub fight ensues, and the polo wins. "There, ya see?" "Oh, ok you proved your point."

 

Anyway, the Smartie and Polo carry on drinking, someone comes in, when suddenly, the polo ducks and hides behind the bar. The smartie asks: "Why did you do that? I thought you were the toughest guy in the bar?"

The Polo replies: "Yes, but that guy there you see, he is fucking Menthol!"

[contempt]

38 What did the kamikaze pilot instructor say to his students? -- Watch closely.

I'm only going to do this once.

 

11 Two guys were sitting in a bar. One said: 'Did you hear the news -- Mike is

dead?'

'How?' gasped the other. 'What happened to him?'

'Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he pulled

up outside, he didn't brake properly and -- bang -- he hit the pavement, the car

flipped over and went crashing through the sunroof. He went flying through

the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.'

'Wow! What a horrible way to die!'

'No, no, he survived that. That didn't kill him. So, after landing in my

upstairs bedroom, he way lying on the floor covered in broken glass. Then he

spotted the big antique wardrobe we have in the room and reached for the

handle to try to pull himself up. He was just dragging himself up when --

bang -- this massive wardrobe came crashing down on top of him, crushing

him and breaking most of his bones.'

'What a way to go! That's terrible!'

'No, no, that didn't kill him; he survived that. He managed to get the

wardrobe off him and crawled out onto the landing. There, he tried to pull

himself up on the banister, but under his weight the banister broke and he

fell down to the first floor. In mid-air, all the broken banister poles spun and

fell on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.'

'Gee! That is an awful way to go!'

'No, no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he was on the

downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawled in to the kitchen,

tried to pull himself up by the cooker, but accidentally reached for a big pot of

boiling water. Whoosh! The whole thing came down on him and burned off

most of his skin.'

'Man! What a way to go!'

'No, no, he survived that. He was lying on the ground, covered in boiling

water, and he spotted the phone. He thought he'd reach for the phone to call

for help but instead he grabbed the light switch and pulled the whole thing

off the wall. Well, water and electricity don't mix, so he got electrocuted --

boom -- 10,000 volts shot through him.'

'Now that is one horrible way to go!'

'No, no, that didn't kill him. He survived that, he ...'

'Hold on now, just how the hell did Mike die?'

'I shot him!'

'You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?'

'He was wrecking my house!'

 

contempt

[Riggs]

What do you call a black man flying an airplane?

 

 

 

 

 

 

A pilot, you fucking racist.

[contempt]

Heh. Lol, Riggs.

 

Speaking of aviation...

 

37 'Flight 1234,' advised the control tower, 'turn right 45 degrees for noise

abatement.'

'Roger,' the pilot responded, 'but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise

can we make up here?'

'Sir,' replied the radar man, 'have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes

when it hits a 747?'

 

contempt

[matt 187]

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup.

 

"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.

 

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"

 

"Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired.

 

After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."

[contempt]

35 A woman was having an affair while her husband was out at work. One day

she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband's car pull

into the driveway.

'Quick!' she shouted to her boyfriend. 'Grab your clothes and jump out the

window. My husband is home early!'

The boyfriend looked out the window and said: 'I can't jump! It's raining

like crazy out there and I'm naked!'

'I don't care,' she insisted. 'If my husband catches us, he'll kill the pair of

us.'

So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped from the bedroom

window. When he landed, he found himself in the middle of a group of

marathon runners. Hoping to blend in even though he was naked, he started

running alongside them, carrying his clothes over his arm.

One of the runners asked: 'Do you always run in the nude?'

Thinking on his feet, the boyfriend replied breathlessly: 'Yes, always. It

feels so free having the air blow over my skin while I'm running.'

'Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?' queried the

athlete.

'Oh, yes,' panted the boyfriend. 'That way I can get dressed at the end of

the run, get in my car and just go straight home without a shower.'

'And,' persisted the athlete, 'do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Only if it's raining.'

 

786 A drunk was staggering around the car park of a bar, feeling the roofs of the various cars.

'What are you doing?' asked a fellow customer.

'I'm looking for my car,' said the drunk, swaying unsteadily on his feet,

'and I can't find it.'

'How does feeling the roof help you?'

'Because,' said the drunk, barely able to stand, 'my car has two blue lights

and a siren on the roof.'

 

contempt

[SDtielvdeo]

I'm not sure if I remember this correctly...

 

 

Two Gays were walking down the beach holding hands, when one of them slipped on a lamp buried halfway into the sand. A Genie pops out and says "Ill grant you... Ugh you two are f*gs," when he sees them holding hands "Well since you freed me from this prison, Ill grant you One Wish". The couple said they wanted to think about it, since they already have all they wanted and decided to head back to their Hotel Room. As they were getting ready to sleep, Someone knocked loudly on their door, then Burst opened, "We are the KKK, and you f*gs are coming with us". As they had the rope thrown over their necks on the Gallows, one member said "Any last words?", one of the couple whispers

"I think nows the time for that wish"

"I already wished for something"

"What the hell could you have wished for?!"

"I wished we were Hung like black men"

[RedDragoon]

hahahaha gotta be one hell of a dumb ass xD

[SDtielvdeo]

Chris Rock - Who's more racist? Black people or White people?

utnK4o-jvzk

"Low Aspectation Motherfucker" - ahahhaa

He speaks the Truth.

[matt 187]

lmfao dont delet this it's the truth:lock:

 

 

[myspace]7309176[/myspace]