Jokes!

[contempt]

Post jokes, not videos.

 

1619 {word excised}

Walking along the harbor wall, two struggling fishermen -- Karl and

Henrik -- saw another boat loaded with fish. So they asked its captain what

his secret was.

The captain confided: 'Go out to sea until the water gets fresh. Then stop

there and drop your line.'

So the pair headed out to sea. A mile out, Karl said to Henrik. 'Fill up the

bucket and taste the water.'

'It still tastes salty,' said Henrik. So they carried on.

Two miles out to sea, Karl turned to Henrik again and said: 'Taste the

water, my friend.'

It's still salty,' reported Henrik. So they pressed on.

Three miles out to sea, Karl said to Henrik: 'Taste the water, old

chum.'

'It's still salty,' said Henrik. So they headed further out to sea.

This continued for the next seven hours. Every mile or so, Karl would ask

Henrik to taste the water, and each time Henrik would tell him that it was

still salty. By now it was dark and the two Newfies were despairing of ever

finding fresh water. Karl was ready to turn back but before doing so, he said

to Henrik: 'Taste the water one more time.'

Henrik replied: 'I can't. There's no more water left in the bucket... .'

 

1479

Strolling along the beach, a man found a magic lamp and rubbed it

vigorously. As he had hoped, a genie emerged and immediately granted

him one wish.

The man said: 'I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want.'

And POOF! he turned into a toilet seat.

 

contempt

[HankTheTank]

A farmer gave his son a duck for his sixteenth birthday and said: 'Go into

town and see what you can get with this.'

The boy went off in search of the best deal he could find and soon ran into

a hooker who offered: 'I'll have sex with you if you give me the duck.' He

agreed, and afterwards she was so impressed by the boy's virility that she

said: 'If you do it again, I'll give you the duck back.'

He went along with her idea and, since he had now got the duck back, he

carried on through town in search of a good trade. But then as he walked

down the main street, the duck suddenly flew out of his arms and into an

incoming truck. The driver was so distraught at having killed the duck that he

gave the boy a dollar.

When the boy arrived home, his dad asked him what he had received for

the duck. The boy said: 'Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and a

buck for a fucked-up duck.'

[Matt.]

Three girls, a red head, burnette, and a blonde were forced to jump off a cliff, but before they did, they were granted 1 wish. The red head walked to the edge of the cliff and said "I wish I was a bird!" So she turned into a bird and flew away. Then the burnette walked to the edge and said "I wish I was a fish!" So she turned into a fish and fell into the stream below and swam away. Finally the blonde walked to the edgen and as she was walking she said "I wish I was a--" when she tripped on a rock and said "Ah Shit!" So she turned into a peice of crap and fell to the bottom.

[contempt]

I got a similar, IMO, funnier joke in my book, Matt . If anyone feels offended by its characters or the s-word used in the joke, please let me know and I'll edit it.

 

1603 An Ontarian, a British Columbian and a Newfie were standing at the top of a

cliff when suddenly a genie appeared before them. The genie told them that

if they jumped off the cliff, they would land in whatever they yelled as they

were jumping.

The Ontarian hared toward the edge, jumped yelling 'Money!' and

landed in a mountain of dollar bills.

The British Columbian sprinted to the cliff edge, jumped yelling 'Gold!'

and landed in a pile of gold coins.

The Newfie ran as fast as he could, reached the edge of the cliff, tripped

over a rock and screamed in pain as he fell downwards, 'Shiiiit!'

 

2013 {censored}

Little Jenny had little interest in Sunday School and usually slept through

class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping. 'Tell me,

Jenny,' she said, 'Who created the universe?'

When Jenny didn't stir, Johnny, who was sitting in the chair behind her,

jabbed her in the backside with a pin.

'God Almighty!' shouted Jenny.

'Very good,' said the teacher, and Jenny fell back asleep.

Twenty minutes later, the teacher asked Jenny: 'Who is our Lord and

Savior?'

Jenny remained sound asleep until Johnny came to her rescue again by

prodding her sharply with the pin.

'Jesus Christ!' shouted Jenny.

'That's right,' said the teacher, and Jenny went back to sleep.

Ten minutes later, the teacher asked Jenny a third question: 'What did

Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Once again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Jenny jumped up

and shouted: 'If you stick that f**king thing in me one more time, I'll break it

in half and stick it up your a*s!'

The teacher fainted.

 

1680

Mary had a little lamb,

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her

Between two chunks of bread.

 

Poor lamb .

 

contempt