[NSFW] FML

[Cooki3Monsta]

LOL i love this site.

[SneakySnake]

Today, I called a priest "lame". He responded jokingly with "God will smite you!". I laughed and walked out the door. I tripped and broke my ankle. FML

 

Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor... and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML

 

Funniest ones ive read so far.

 

Edit: MORE

 

Today I was studying for a final when I noticed all I had was a blue highlighter. I decided to drive to the store to get a yellow one, and on the way i got $200 worth of traffic tickets for not stopping at a stop sign. So, I basically spent $200 because I prefer yellow highlighters over blue. FML

 

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to exchange presents for our birthdays. I spent $100 on perfume and Victoria's Secret clothes. She bought me a bag of lifesavers, then asked me to leave because she wanted to take a nap. FML

 

Today, I decided to call my wife while she was having a private lunch with my parents. I began to tell her all the nasty things I was going to do to her in bed. Halfway through my fantasy, she giggled and told me that she was going to take me off speakerphone. FML

 

Today, I tried to prove to my dad that he snores by secretly putting a tape recorder under his bed. I soon found out my parents had sex that night. Apparently, my mom likes to talk dirty. FML

 

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have our first "Cybering" experience. I downloaded Skype per his instructions, and hooked up my cam. Just as everything started getting hot and heavy, I farted. He stopped and frowned. I had no idea it was a video AND voice program. FML

 

Today, I was late to school for the third time this week because my alarm clock didn't go off. I clearly remembered setting it, so I videotaped myself sleeping. It turns out I've been turning off my alarm clock in my sleep. FML

 

Today, I was with my 6th grade class. During recess, we were talking about growing up and getting older. I said that one day, they'd start to look like me. Two of my students started crying. FML

[broncoty]

Today, I found some porn videos in my parents room. I put them in and began to toss off, but as the camera moved up I realized it was my mom and my step-dad. FML

 

oday, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML

[SneakySnake]

Dam these poor people. How the hel does this stuff happen to them lol? I cant stop reading! Im on page 78.

[Tcp-Kill]

LOL!!!!!!

 

Today, I was walking my friends dog around the neighborhood, as I was walking I noticed a little girl fall off her bike. I let go of the dog and ran over to help. The girl was ok but the dog ran into the street and got hit by a truck. FLM

 

__________________

 

Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I undressed and then proceeded to throw up all over the rug. FML

 

__________________

 

Today, my mom came to me and asked if I had drank her wine. I'm 16, so I lied and said "no". The next morning there was a DVD on my bed labeled "pool house security cameras- love mom." It was a video of me downing two bottles of red wine and having sex with my boyfriend. FML

 

__________________

 

Today, I went over to my uncle's house for dinner and my stomache hurt really bad. I noticed there were two toilets and sat in the prettier one and proceeded to take a huge dump. Turns out I chose the brand new toilet that wasn't connected to anything yet. FML

__________________

 

Today, I got a text message. My phone was sitting on the edge of the bed and set on vibrate, so it fell off. I reached down to grab my phone and fell off the bed. My macbook landed on top of me. I fractured my arm and broke my laptop to read a text from facebook. FML

__________________

 

Today, I turned 22, without anyone wishing me a happy birthday. In fact, the only phone call I received all day was from my brother. He wanted to borrow money. FML

__________________

 

Today, I walked behind a girl I hooked up with last weekend while she was on the computer in the library. I noticed she was looking at my facebook page and got excited. Then I heard her say to her friend, "This is the one smallest penis I have ever seen." FML

__________________

 

Today, I found out that the electric nose hair clippers that I've been using for the past two years are in fact my father's pubic hair trimmers. FML

__________________

 

Today, my brother's new girlfriend, who is blind, asked to feel my face so she could tell what I look like. She said i was "unique". A blind chick just told me I was ugly. FML

[bethy]

I think this one by far made me laugh the most.

 

Today, I was talking to my grandmother, who was lying down on the couch under a blanket watching TV. As I was leaving, I said "See you later Nana," and patted her on the shoulder. Her shoulder was soft, and moved more than I expected. It was her boob. I felt up my grandma. FML

 

LOL!

[Lux]

This is one of the best things in history

[Demented]

Thanks for sharing lmao. They are funny.

[Coffee Crisp]

Today, I was so drunk that my friends put me to bed during a party. Later I find out that while I was passed out two of my friends came in and had sex while I was in the same bed. They tried to use me as a prop. Now my friends call me the love wedge. FML

[Lux]

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "Be my baby's daddy!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

 

This really is FML.

 

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

 

Completely random.

 

Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML

 

Today, my fiancee broke up with me. Via a myspace message. While we were in the same apartment. FML

 

Double lulz.

 

Today, friends threw me a party for finishing my dissertation. I've worked on it for months. They carried my computer downstairs to have music, dropping it halfway. My work was on there. Only back-up? On my flash drive I just found on the floor, crushed by someone's foot. It's due tomorrow. FML

 

Funny but.....wow.

 

Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man. FML

 

Fett.

 

Today, I got accepted to Yale University. My parents response: "We never expected you to get into college. We spent all of our savings on sending your brother to school." FML

 

Lol'd.

 

 

 

IT DOESN'T STOP.........Its......heaven