Those considering senseless self abuse for a minimum of 35 K a year.

[LegalSmash]

For anyone considering law school, or those that just find this sort of shit funny. I found a list some friends and I made up at the end of first year of things you shouldnt do in law school, also found some "you know your in law school when" list.

 

Enjoy. Its kind of funny, esp if youve been or considering going.

 

DISCLAIMER:

 

This is strictly for humor purposes, these are things that I have heard through the grapevine from others, seen done, been specifically prohibited through conversation, r through clarification, or done.

 

 

 

A list of things I am not allowed to do while in law school

 

 

 

1. Not allowed to watch South Park while in Torts class or Civil Procedure, or Property, or any of my other classes.

2. Now allowed to watch Family Guy, the Simpsons, or Boondocks while in Civ Pro, Property, Contracts, Torts, etc.

3. I am not allowed to threaten my torts professor with black magic.

4. I am not allowed to threaten a law suit against my professor alleging he used black magic against me.

5. I am not allowed to make a public policy argument for silicone breast implants on the lesser than C cup female law students while in torts class.

6. I am not allowed to do # 5 for men either.

7. I am not allowed to add in accordance with the Prophesy at the end of the answers I give to the questions of my Contracts Professor.

8. I am not allowed to answer What would Jesus do to any question directed to me by Professor .

9. I am not allowed to sing Too Legget to Quit in the presence of professor legget.

10. I am not allowed to attempt to bribe professors with cigarettes.

11. I am not allowed to fake a seizure to avoid classroom debate.

12. I am not allowed to threaten the powers that be.

13. I am not allowed to place my professors faces on the FBI most wanted list.

14. I am not allowed to take incriminating photos of the faculty.

15. I am not allowed to make incriminating photos of the faculty with Photoshop.

16. I am not allowed to rename any filing document the antedote.

17. I am not allowed to taunt the Georgetown Faculty.

18. I am not allowed to antagonize the Catholic Law School students

19. I must never call the dean of students sunshine.

20. I am not allowed to start a republican guard in Houston hall.

21. I must not taunt or antagonize the liberal left even if I am right.

22. I am not allowed to join any gangs even if ethnically based.

23. I am not allowed to ask any professor if they smoke the crack or inject it.

24. I am not allowed to call Professor Heiteger a no good dirty Jew.

25. I must not make references to Sacco and Vanzeti as those two wops from mulberry street.

26. God did not countermand my professors specific instructions not to make off color comments to the guest speaker.

27. I am not allowed to let the voices take precedent over supreme court decisions.

28. I am not allowed to chew gum in front of the lectern microphone.

29. I am not allowed to have flashbacks to court proceedings that occurred prior to my birth.

30. Our book store does not sell yellowcake.

31. I do not have super powers, and If I do, it is not necessary to announce it during an assembly..

32. I am not allowed to bribe the homeless into brawls.

33. I am not allowed to trade my casebooks for computer games, or gum, water bottles, coffee, jolly ranchers, or magic beans.

34. I am not authorized to fire faculty.

35. I am not a citizen of Florida, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.

36. I am not allowed to sell bad advice during Criminal law.

37. I should refrain from calling the professor a retard, especially when I am right.

38. I am not allowed to do the safety dance during the librarys annual fire drill.

39. I am not allowed to quote Tony Soprano when speaking to the Dean of Academic Affairs.

40. The defendant did not whack anyone.

41. I am not the chaplain of the school.

42. I am not allowed to ask for the class to receive the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that its adopt-a-jew day.

43. I am not allowed to object to the professors instructions and ask for sidebar.

44. The proper response to a writing professors order is not Why.

45. I do not need to make posters depicting the failing leadership of the student bar association.

46. I am not allowed to pause the game

47. I am not allowed to comment on students latent homosexuality prior to November.

48. Giant Bees are not the enemy.

49. There are no democrats under my bed

50. There is no Anti American Campaign in the Kiowa reservation.

51. I should refrain from yelling Kill Whitey when asked if I would like to visit the African American Civil War Museum.

52. There is no requirement for my professors instruction to be ratified in the tradition of the US legislature.

53. I am not allowed to use tin foil and duct tape to coat the schools foyer to avoid the mans mind control beacons.

54. I am not a space marine, and the student body president is not vile xeno

55. I am not allowed to taunt the scientologists.

56. I am not allowed to threaten their fruity little club with a cause of action.

57. I must not shake it, while standing before any officer of the court.

58. I cannot blame my citation errors on my pet frog pancho.

59. I may not pretend to be a Federal Court Judge, even if I do bear a striking resemblance.

60. I will not flaunt my deviances in front of my faculty.

61. I am not allowed to coat myself if woad.

62. I may not block the email transmissions of my teachers.

63. I am neither the king, nor the queen of dance.

64. I may not form any sweatshops with neighborhood children.

65. I may not challenge any of my professors or fellow students to duels in the field of honor

66. If I laugh derisively at the comment inside, I should probably not make the statement.

67. My bad is not proper courtroom terminology.

68. My client was not jewed over.

69. The legal system is not run by lambchop and Charlie horse.

70. I must not taunt the Rastafarian Jews.

71. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.

72. The proper use of Res Ipsa Loquitor is not to point out my professors inadequacies.

73. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

74. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off the professor, solely to diminish his supply.

75. I am not allowed give the raccoon rabies

76. I am not allowed to release raccoon hunting creatures to combat the librarys raccoon problem

77. No one wants to listen to my rendition of shut up

78. No one likes country and I should never blast toby keith again.

79. I am not allowed to bring vermin to class.

80. I am not allowed to give prophylactics as birthday presents to faculty whos sexuality is under review.

81. I am not authorized to change national policy in Iran

82. I am not allowed to amend the world map in the library to show the entire middle east as the Lesser United States

83. I must not trade fraudulent legal advice for lunch money.

84. I must not take advantage of the less intelligent, especially not for pecuniary gain.

85. I must not refer to a Penis as a pecker, wang, schlong, schlemeck, tool, pancho, spear, censor bearer, shock stick, leibowitz gun, or any other anecdote when discussing cases that mention the male member.

86. I will not threaten to buy people

87. I will not threaten to sic my pet Mexican on anyone.

88. I cannot threaten court orders that I do not have the authority to perform.

89. I should not tease the ACLU

90. I should not defecate near the public defender, no matter how badly I want to put him in deep shit

91. The Microsoft Dancing Paperclip, Dog, Einstein, and any other help tool is not allowed to instruct me to ignore the blue book.

92. I am not allowed to attempt assassinations of faculty by pouring pop rocks in their coke.

93. I am not allowed to replace my colleagues birth control with tic tacs to eliminate 2L competition.

94. I am not authorized to start revolutions

95. I do not get periods

96. I am not allowed to operate a legal service consultation without a bar license.

97. A bar license is not bought at a bar.

98. The government did not give me a vermillion security clearance.

99. I am not a lesbian

100. I am not allowed to call myself the H.N.I.C.

101. I am not allowed to write in my race as superior cubanis-hispanis-majoris on application.

102. My professors have neither the time nor the inclination to dance the forbidden dance with me

103. The professor is not a tattoo artist, therefore, ink me, baby is not the proper way to request a grade.

104. I should not dare the drunk kid to touch a boob

105. I am not allowed to falsify documents to delay deadlines.

106. I am not allowed to dance and shimmy at the stand

107. The judge doesnt rock my like a hurricane

108. I am not allowed to threaten genocide on cultures

109. I am not allowed to raise armies in order to execute # 108

110. I am not allowed to lobby for the illegalization of world religions

111. I am not Field Marshall Rey

112. I should refrain from speaking in third person to Judge Souter

113. I must control my urge to yell Pinga when frustrated.

114. Light up bow ties are not appropriate court attire.

115. Neither are short pants

116. I am not allowed to amend court documents without the authors consent.

117. I am not allowed to sing the lyrics to loveboat while in contracts.

118. I am not allowed to treat the homeless like the scum they are

119. I am not allowed to make a verbal signature to all phrases made to officers of the court.

120. I am not allowed to threaten the cashier with my powers

121. Harry potter isnt in law school with me

122. I do not go to wizard school, and I must refrain from referring to our law school in such fashions.

123. My teacher does not suck a big one

124. I am not allowed to convince the janitor that his skin blemishes are the beginnings of leprosy.

125. I am not allowed to imitate House Md. Even if I do admire him

126. I am not a pimp with a limp when I am before an officer of the court.

127. I am not allowed to give a dog a haircut while in the student lounge

128. I am not allowed to capture vermin, and try the creature as a member of al-qaeda.

129. The raccoons in the library are not entitled to due process.

130. Nor am I allowed to provide them with competent legal representation

131. I am not allowed to request shiny new pennies for the sole purpose of holding up the lunch line.

132. I am not allowed to taunt the medical students, even if they are lesser than us.

133. I am not allowed to pose as a medical student to get dirt on them

134. I am not allowed to publish unauthorized newspapers and label it with the school seal.

135. Attending a university does not give me an exclusive license to misuse their logos and name.

136. I must not convince the foreign girl that posing in nude for photos are part of American law school

137. Calling the kid from Iran Tick Tick Boom is not very nice

138. I am not allowed to fling my textbooks at authority.

139. I am not allowed to misplace the cables to other projector for the purpose of delaying class

140. I am not allowed to quote Robert Bork

141. I am not allowed to call Justice Scalia My homeboy

142. I am not allowed to pole dance in the great hall of the high court.

143. I must not sleep in my classes

144. I am not allowed to request a recess

145. I am not allowed to object to every statement made in class

146. The professor is not the wicked witch of the west

147. or the east

148. I am not allowed to commandeer toilet paper for personal use at home

149. I am not allowed to make profit from information that is free to the public

150. I should refrain from telling the professor that they cant handle the truth.

 

 

An Amended list of things I am not allowed to do while in Law School.

 

1. I am not allowed to laugh derisively at my classmates statements regarding social justice, no matter how debased they are.

2. Judge Learned Hand’s name is not a plaything.

3. Playing Battlefield 1942, 2, or Vietnam is not a valuable use of study and or classroom time.

4. I will not sleep while awake in class

5. The giving of foreign aid is not the spreading of the human immunodeficiency virus to other countries

6. Nor is it the intentional spreading of typhus through MREs and blanket

7. I will not inform the professor of the rocket in my pocket, or anything else residing in my pocket.

8. Shorts are not appropriate courtroom attire after age 2.

9. I will not sleep with my clients

10. Or their families

11. I will not take their beloved pets as collateral for payment of legal fees.

12. Lunch time is not crunch time, no matter how amusing it may be.

13. The judge does not smell like Penzoil, even if it may be true.

14. Zealous representation does not include fisticuffs with the opposing counsel

15. It is not proper courtroom decorum to call the learned opposing counsel a douchebag, or refer to him as such when addressing the jury.

16. Motion to strike does not include committing battery, no matter how much I dislike the client, the judge, or the opposing counsel.

17. Go die in a fire is not an appropriate manner with which to express desire to exert your 5th amendment right.

18. The BNA is a research tool, not useful for making book forts in the stacks.

19. The stacks are not pay by the hour motels, and the pages of the books, reporters, journals, etc. are not napkins.

20. The printer is not a toy, nor is the copier.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_______________________________________________________________

You know you are in law school if:

 

1. You don't FALL asleep, you FELL asleep.

2. You fell asleep with your books in front of you.

3. Your usual 8-hour power sleep is reduced to 5-6 hours.

4. You wake up in the morning with highlighter marks on your face, legs, hands, and on your bedsheets!

5. You dream about your professor running after you with a codal in hand.

6. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck because you fell asleep with your thick and hard law book as pillow.

7. You go to your favorite seat in the toilet with a codal in hand and read it while waiting for....... (you do not want to waste precious time... every second counts!)

8. Due to stress and tension, you go to the toilet more often than you used to.

9. You eat breakfast while reading your cases you fell asleep with the previous night.

10. You read, re-read and re-read cases to make sure you really understood the case and to be able to remember it when you're called to recite it in class. (But at the back of your mind, you know you'll never be ready for class!)

11. You can't help but comment how the law was applied or use in a movie you're watching. (My, your legal mind works anytime, everywhere!)

12. Your jokes are loaded with legal terms.

13. You pray harder.

14. You pray not to be called for recitation today, and that if you're called, you be called on the case that you know.

15. You go to school with 3 kilos or more of paper!

16. You decide to name your children after the people who helped you get your law degree...Emanuel and Gilbert.

17. You want to make an irresistable offer to your contracts professor and make it a requirement that an acceptance be via carrier pigeon...and you know that as a "master of the offer," YOU CAN DO THAT!!!

18. Students from other degrees think you're a member of library staff because you're in there all the time.

19. When you read a page of text and realize there hasn't been a single period (.) yet.

20. Your friends know that you're alive only by the updates on your facebook status!

21. Highlighting becomes a color-in game where you first highlight the first line, the last line, and the sides of the exerpt you want to color and then just go at it like a 6-year-old. (Great for stress relief)

22. You know you're in law school when your mom calls you at the law library. She knows it's the most likely way to get a hold of you.

23. You consider dropping out of law school approximately every hour, but after that first semester you realized you were already in too much debt to be anything other than a lawyer.

24. You can't remember if you decided to come to law school because you wanted to help people and make a difference in the world or because you hate yourself.

25. You aspire to one day own Blackacre.

26. You feel guilty for showering/eating during finals because it takes time away from your study schedule

27. Substance abuse becomes you.

28. The drama in your life now rivals that of high school.

29. You make adverse possession jokes.

30. You can name without hesitation at least three people who make you want to throw things when you see them raise their hands in class.

31. You think IRAC and CREAC are just code for saying the same thing over and over.

32. You are truly and deeply unnerved by the thought of some of your classmates becoming attorneys.

33. You think tequila shots are essential to ordered liberty.

34. You wonder if that one professor who always seems angry and irritable and treats students' minds as his personal playground is actually a sociopath or just didn't get enough hugs as a child.

35. Sometimes during disagreements you are tempted to 12(b)(6) the offending friend or family member.

36. You know and understand the complicated epistemological and metaphysical differences between a conspirator and an accomplice.

37. You know and understand the complicated epistemological and metaphysical differences between coffee and red bull.

38. You think whoever came up with the Socratic method should have his face lit on fire and then beaten out with a rake.

39. You can't think of any legitimate reason why a law student would need access to certain public records, but you can think of a whole lot of illegitimate ones.

40. After the first semester you realized that "briefing a case" need only consist of looking it up on Lexis or Westlaw.

41. You've given yourself carpal tunnel from all the spider solitaire you play in class.

42. When someone is expressing their frustration or anger about something that is in any way related to the law, you can't be sympathetic because you're too busy figuring out in your head if they have a cause of action.

43. You hear about the death of an elderly friend or relative and wonder if they died intestate.

44. You have considered changing career paths to hot dog vendor, stilt walker, or career alcoholic.

45. You're pretty sure the reasonable prudent man is a friendless tool who still lives with his mother.

46. Your car is like a library full of books and papers everywhere!

47. When you spend 5 seconds longer in a shop because you're trying to see if the disclaimer notice behind the cashier is an incorporated or unfair contractual term.

48. When you find yourself using words like reasonable, culpable, and negligent WAY too much in everyday conversation.

49. You find yourself wondering whether, in the last Harry Potter film, Hogwarts could face an Article 3 challenge under s6 of the Human Rights Act.

50. When you can deliver your message clearly but impersonally;

and when you use “if” and “therefore”, and “or” and “consequently” a lot.

_________________________________________________________________

[Captain Colon]

6. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck because you fell asleep with your thick and hard law book as pillow.

Oh is that what they call them now?