I Ragepost, Tell you how to Fix JB, and threaten to upload porn in this thread.

[SL4DE]

Holy fuck, I'm butthurt about a videogame I care about. This shitpost is a mistake.

 

Fuck it.

 

CSGO:

-Matchmaking, your servers blow, and your matchmaking system is shit. Why am I getting paired with LEM's at a GN3 level?

Hit registration, RNG is one thing, but when I review footage and a demo, and the round goes right through a player there is a goddamn problem.

 

-Skins, Fuck you and your business scheme with skins. Congratulations, you have a shit ton of money, what do you do? Downsize your staff. Less people to pay, more money for you, amirite? I know you guys cover your asses by not applying monetary value to skins, but that doesn't matter when people are shelling out millions of dollars for a FUCKING TEXTURE. Every time someone, including myself, opens one of those fucking cases, we look like a massive idiot. It's the equivalent of throwing 2.50 down a well just to see if it would sound different then the last time.

 

I actually cannot complain too much about skins, because I can literally sell my entire inventory for a grand, which is about $800 profit for me. You're still cunts though.

 

-Your support, you want to make a shit ton of money, then downsize your support staff? Bitch, this is why we have players cheating in PRIME. Isn't Prime supposed to weed out cheaters? Oh wait. It's still in beta, so just use that excuse every time someone complains. Also, isn't your VAC system supposed to weed out players before they hit a prime level? Honestly, I'm tempted to grab some walls to cheat a few games with. Will I get banned? Probably. Will I be able to cheat for 2 Hours - 2 weeks before anything is done about it? ABSOLUTELY.

 

-VAC system, MMMMHMMM this shit used to be on point, I remember when it would ban someone cheating in MINUTES. But even when you check the MD5 hashes of files, scan our DNS caches, and checking memory and running processes, you STILL TAKE YOUR FUCKING TIME. I understand that you don't want cheaters catching on, but for fucks sake, make it a bit more aggressive. Especially since you know all the fucking porn sites I visit whenever I launch a game.

 

-Updates, when was the last operation? Almost 2 years ago? Dude, Valve, you literally have THE REST OF THE WORLD MAKING EVERYTHING FOR YOU. Maps, skins, models, animations, everything that a budding FPS would need, and all you need to do, is move a few files from one server, to another, make some graphics and a coin, and boom. You have oldfags who quit coming back just for some co-op, and new maps. Too bad you only have around 5 people staffed in the CSGO department.

 

-Matchmaking servers. Seriously, 64 tick, still? Nah, that's not my main complaint, it's your virtual servers. Spend some of that money and upgrade. It's getting to the point where I'm getting matched with LEM's, and everyone is solo-qued. I'm a GN3, and I suck now, I don't want to go up against people who rape me. I want a challenge, not suicide.

 

-Matchmaking in general. I understand smurfs, and how easy it is to derank. I can't think of a way around this. It happens in every MM based game, so I'm going to let this go. I'm still a bit butthurt about it, but I'll let it go.

 

-Surrender. Do we really have to discuss which teammate needs to be sacrificed just so we can end a game? I've been on both ends. 2-16. I've had, and had other teams, apologize in all chat, because of how unfair the teams were. Both teams would give it their all, but it's not fun to destroy an opponent who lacks the skills to challenge you properly, on either end. If the entire team votes to surrender, they should be able to surrender. Hell, even make it a full server vote, if 80% agrees on a surrender for one party, then it's settled, we stop wasting time, and move on.

 

Make me a Valve CA, no balls. You can pay me in skins I can sell to kids who have mommies credit card. First. World. Problems.

 

Dude, Valve, you're going to lose your playerbase. Fuck it, you already are. I'm probably going to hit up Faceit again just to be disappointed, and stick with TF2 and Quake. Mmmhmm, I love me some arena shooters.

 

Fuck it, let's talk about jailbreak real quick

 

CT's:

-Give some fucking orders.

-Stop giving freedays.

-Stop giving freedays if you're out of ideas.

-Do a deathgame other than simon says. You guys abuse the fuck out of it for free kills. If you want easy kills, go play with bots.

-Stop. Sending. Entire. Teams. Into. Isolation. They are not meant for entire teams, just one or two unruly prisoners who need a time out. On other servers, rounds are around 10 minutes, isolation had a purpose, it still does, but it's not a substitute for big cage. What the fuck are you guys doing wasting time having an entire T team push each other into medic when there is collision on?

-Stop spraying lead into a group of T's. This is situational, but this happens A LOT when you shove an entire team into isolation. One prisoner out of 14 will kill a T with a handgun, and 5 T's die in a spray of gunfire from a CT who claims crossfire. You can't claim crossfire if no one can avoid it!

-You can tell T's to get "off mic".

-Warning shots, use them ONCE. After that, it's fair game, just don't be that guy who kills a dude 3 minutes in claiming you warned them about something completely different.

-We don't have a warden system, but for fucks sake, if you don't have anything important/game related to say, then shut the fuck up. This goes for everyone. A little banter here and there is cool, but we don't want to hear you comment on everything.

 

 

PRISONERS/T's:

-R.E.B.E.L.

-Rebel

-Please rebel

-If your teammate is engaged with a CT, don't just stand there, do something!

-Don't be afraid to die. Even if you kill one CT and die, that means a faster, and more entertaining round. Plus, it gives your teammates a chance to grab a rifle.

-Share the wealth. You see someone you think's a good shot, and you have a sidearm? Give him a handgun, two is always better than one. If all else fails, use your teammate as bait.

-Stop putting your teammates in danger! If you have a gun, and are in the middle of a crowd of teammates, don't unload a mag unless you KNOW you're going to secure a kill.

-Shut up. A talking prisoner is usually a controlled prisoner in a CT's eyes. If you have something important to say, say it.

-Be observant. Not sure how you ran across the map without realizing there is a rifle on your back, but now you're dead. Too bad the CT noticed it before you did.

-Take advantage of the situation. A CT gets shot, most of the time, every other CT is going to start looking around for him. Rush a CT who is distracted, and you'll score an easy kill. Probably. Some of you guys can't even hit a guy standing still, but you can stab a distracted dude, right..?

-Save your nades. Stop wasting them by throwing them out of your cell as soon as the round starts. Frags can be used to secure wounded CT's, and to throw guns across the map. Flashes, well, flash people. Smokes can be used for an easy getaway. ect,ect.

-Play dirty. I've literally aced rounds by simply saying "Hey, look out behind you!". It's the stupidest strategy, but it still works to this day.

 

 

To all players:

-Admins don't see everything in the game. Holy shit. Shocking right? If you claim someone freekilled you, we'll look into it, but respect goes both ways.

-Admins are players as well, don't get upset if someone doesn't get slain because you thought you got freekilled. Hell, you could be right, but mistakes happen. However, if an admin keeps making that mistake, you might want to talk to them about it in a PM. If all else fails, make a complaint on the forums.

-Stop screaming. Especially those with higher vocal tones.

-Don't be afraid to try, or suggest new ways to play. Don't do something dumb like ignore warning shots, or start a warday, but try something different.

-Don't abuse the system. Doesn't matter if it's the !stuck command, or an exploit with the !lr plugin. Bring it to an admins attention, because if we find out you know about it, and are trying to keep it a secret, you might not be playing on the servers for a bit. Situational, but not worth the risk in my eyes. Petty, actually.

 

Damn, did you read up to this point, or just glance over that wall of text? Anyways, JB has a special place in my heart, but you guys, the players, make the server what it is. If the server is shit, it's probably because of the players. If you step up and lead by example, people will follow. As long as you're not a shitty example, that is.

 

If I didn't care about SG I'd be using bots to spam gifs of dinosaurs fucking cars.

As for Valve, if you find some animations in your inbox, don't be surprised.

 

TL;DR Matchmaking is shit, If you play jailbreak use your brain for once, and I'm a reptile using a computer.

 

Rant over, also, remove the fucking minecraft head from every server. I will literally throw my skins at Spiked if it stays removed forever.

 

CSGO Chicken Wars for President.

[Ender]

I haven't read anything this beautiful since the first time I found a playboy magazine. And this is about PB. 10/10 Slade.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Reid99]

remove the fucking minecraft head from every server.

 

 

I agree with this, but their sweet spot is just on the nose on the minecraft head xd.

[FunkyFingers]

#MinecraftHeadOP #PraiseMinecraft

[GG EZ]

Vote for sl4de 2169

Fuck the shitty cts in jb your are ass except some admins they alright but fuck the rest of them

[Prez]

I kind of want to move this to OT just so I can thank your post

[BlackWhite]

Sadly, I can't thank you in here. So I will thanks you in my post

[SL4DE]

I kind of want to move this to OT just so I can thank your post

 

Feel free.

[sean]

Or you could play Minigames and ignore all the bullshittery that is JB.

 

#makeminigamestopserver

[frank the rabbit]

PRAISE BE TO THE SNAKE LORD SL4DE