Need critique

[Harpr33t]

I need someone to please read my introductory paragraph for a paper that is due soon and here it is so far.

 

Question: “In your opinion what is the greatest challenge that your generation will face? What ideas do you have for facing these issue?”

 

 

A mentality that people usually have about the planet and the way the world is run is that I am going to leave this place in a better shape then it is now. Sadly this is not the case anymore, the world's stability is deteriorating both ecologically and politically. This generation faces the the greatest number of challenges since the people of World War II. The challenges my generation faces vary from climate change and the polar ice caps melting at a phenomenal rate, to declining economy. This generation will have to rise to the occasion and fix these problems.

[PotshotPolka]

Too vague, make your thesis and then present three specific examples to qualify your argument.

[Harpr33t]

srry double post

[Harpr33t]

So should i make the thesis more to the point in the 3rd sentence and the 3 examples your talking about, are they the 3 challenges? since i only have to talk about only 1 major.

[LegalSmash]

I need someone to please read my introductory paragraph for a paper that is due soon and here it is so far.

 

Question: “In your opinion what is the greatest challenge that your generation will face? What ideas do you have for facing these issue?”

 

 

A mentality that people usually have about the planet and the way he world is run is that I am going to leave this place in a better shape then it is now. Sadly this is not the case anymore, the world's stability is deteriorating both ecologically and politically. This generation faces the the greatest number of challenges since the people of World War II. The challenges my generation faces vary from climate change and the polar ice caps melting at a phenomenal rate, to declining economy. This generation will have to rise to the occasion and fix these problems.

 

The first sentence requires quotations, should be revised as a run on, and should not be in passive voice.

 

The second statement starts abruptly, is a poor choice for a lead in, you go from speaking of a mentality to the world's stability. I would go from commenting on a mentality, to a conflicting mentality, and THEN state that due to the other mentality the world is failing (in your opinion).

 

I'd enumerate some of the challenges that the generation faces which create a stack as high as the "we can do it" generation of world war ii, because honestly, I find your statement to likely insult persons of that generation.

 

My generation, and even more so, your generation are a bunch of over privileged, over protected, wet farts: We are the baby boomer's kids, no real financial hardship, no internecine war, no draft, low child death rate in countries that matter... you REALLY have to find something compelling to make that comparison a valid one. The Ice caps are NOT one of them, sadly to say.. Tay Zonday and Carrot Top pose more of a threat.

[AppleShark]

A mentality that people usually have about the planet and the way the world is run is that I am going to leave this place in a better shape than it is now.

 

Pet peeve of mine.

[Sandstorm]

The first sentence requires quotations, should be revised as a run on, and should not be in passive voice.

 

The second statement starts abruptly, is a poor choice for a lead in, you go from speaking of a mentality to the world's stability. I would go from commenting on a mentality, to a conflicting mentality, and THEN state that due to the other mentality the world is failing (in your opinion).

 

I'd enumerate some of the challenges that the generation faces which create a stack as high as the "we can do it" generation of world war ii, because honestly, I find your statement to likely insult persons of that generation.

 

My generation, and even more so, your generation are a bunch of over privileged, over protected, wet farts: We are the baby boomer's kids, no real financial hardship, no internecine war, no draft, low child death rate in countries that matter... you REALLY have to find something compelling to make that comparison a valid one. The Ice caps are NOT one of them, sadly to say.. Tay Zonday and Carrot Top pose more of a threat.

 

Us Paying their fucking SS when they all retire.. Fcukers. I say just cut what they should get in half and make the family support them.