I toyed with the idea of opening a jokes thread. I'm gonna post a buncha jokes from "The Mammoth Book of dirty, sick, x-rated & politically incorrect jokes." In compliance with the rules, I will censor certain words and not post certain jokes. Hank already knows some of the following .
503 A woman saw a small boy leaning against a wall smoking a cigarette and taking swigs from a bottle of scotch.
'Shouldn't you be at school?' she asked.
'School?' said the boy. 'No way. I'm only four!'
502 {censored}
One day, two very loving parents got into a huge fight, in the course of which the man called the woman 'b***h', and she called him a 'bastard'. Their young son walked in at the height of the row and asked: 'What do bitch and bastard mean?'
Embarrassed by their appalling behavior, the parents explained: 'It means "ladies and gentlemen".'
By the next day the parents had made up, and decided to have sex. The woman said 'feel my
titties' and the man said 'feel my d**k'. When their son walked in and asked what titties and d**k meant, they replied: 'Hats and coats.'
On Thanksgiving the Dad was shaving when he cut himself, 'S**t!' he exclaimed. When the kid came in and asked what 's**t' meant, the father covered up his bad language by saying it was the brand of shaving cream he was using.
Meanwhile downstairs the mother, while preparing the turkey, also cut herself. 'F**k!' she exclaimed. Once again the kid asked what the word meant, and the mother pretended that it was her word for stuffing the turkey. Moments later, the doorbell rang. The kid opened the door to his relatives and announced loudly: 'All right, you b***hes and bastards, put your titties and d**ks in the closet, my Dad is upstairs wiping the s**t off his face, and Mom is in the kitchen f**king the turkey.'
421 George W. Bush was visting a fouth grade class at an elementary school. The kids were in the middle of talking about words and their meanings, and the teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word 'tragedy'. So Bush asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a trajedy.'
'No,' said Bush, 'that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand. 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not,' explained the President. 'That's what we would call a "great loss".'
The room fell silent until Bush asked: 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally a boy at the back named Johnny raised his hand and suggested: 'If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs Bush, was struck by a missile and blown to pieces, that would be a tragedy.'
'Correct,' said Bush. 'And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well,' said Johnny, 'because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss.'
1226 {word changed}
A man was traveling home late at night on the subway when he read a sign: 'Dogs must be carried on the escalator.'
Despairingly, he thought to himself: 'Now where on earth am I going to find a dog at this time of night?'
To be continued...
contempt
Edit: SD, your joke ain't funny at all.
Almost got the same joke in my book, Havok. The wording is different and it's in Bagdad and with dollars.
